After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing My curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is Proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.' And then the fight started...
Hey, where's realwest? Ya'll didn't trample him on the stairs, did you?
He left. Last post on the last thread.
OH hell. Dinner is ready and I really gotta go NOW -mom's already yelled it once and you don't want to be me if she yells it twice! Anyway y'all it was fun chatting with you all - however briefly and I WILL be back tonight!! Hope y'all have a fine fun evening and that I get the chance to see you all down the road tonight!!
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming Anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 In about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale. And then the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I Kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to Drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she Hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think that a person could go on Celebrating that long?' And then the fight started...
The Obama administration argues that making government medical officials personally liable for damages would make it harder to recruit people to work for the Health and Human Services Department's Public Health Service and other government medical jobs.
"The court of appeals' decision will likely have an adverse impact on the government's ability to recruit, hire and retain medical personnel for the PHS, and may affect other federal entities that have medical missions covered by similar immunity statutes." Solicitor General Elena Kagan said in court papers.
Feeling good, gak, thanks. Sick as a dawg last night, woke up perfect this morning. Maybe it was the Zicam? I like to chalk it up to my marvelous demeanor and positive outlook. :-)
A man comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead.
The guy panics. Thinking his neighbor is going to hate him forever, he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur> He then puts the rabbit back into the cage on the neighbor’s patio in hopes they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside. He asks the guy, “Did you hear that Fluffy died?”
The guy stiffens and says, “Um.. er.. no.. what happened?”
The neighbor replies, “We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, we went outside and someone had dug him up, given him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!”
"The court of appeals' decision will likely have an adverse impact on the government's ability to recruit, hire and retain medical personnel for the PHS
No -- that can't be right. All doctors want to join up with ObamaCare! The AMA ads said so!! And so did Gore Vidal. And if you can't believe ads and Gore Vidal, who ya gonna believe?
Erik, you need to be careful about getting into fights with your significant other, though. Especially if you love your goldfish.: http://www.inquisitr.com/40178/woman-cooks-eats-goldfish-to-get-back-at-boyfriend/
We used to feed the biology department Oscar in high school with gold fish as well. Got so bad that the local pet store wouldn't sell us any anymore. Real shame.
This guy sees a sign in front of a house “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
“You talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the mutt replies.
“So, what’s your story?”
The mutt looks up and says “Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.
So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says “Ten dollars.”
The guy says he’ll buy him but asks the owner, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?”
This elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her loneliness and goes to the pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties, etc., and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice saying, "My, do you look lovely this afternoon, madam."
She turns around quickly to see who has spoken, but there is no one. All she sees is a big green parrot, resting on his perch in his cage. "Did you say that?" she asks.
"Why, yes, I did!" he replies. "And may I add that dress is a very nice color for you."
The lady suddenly realizes how nice it would be to not only have a talking parrot, but one that paid such nice compliments. So she pays for him and takes him home. On the way, she says, "You know, I am so proud of you that I believe I'll take you out for dinner! Would you like that?"
The parrot says, "Why yes, that would be delightful. I know a charming place on 7th Street."
So they arrive home and the lady progresses upstairs to her room to change for dinner, bringing the parrot along, of course. When the woman enters the building, the parrot begins complaining, swearing, and even bit her once.
Well, the woman is flabbergasted! She grabs the parrot by the throat, marches down the stairs into the basement, and stuffs the parrot in the freezer. She leaves him there in the freezer for five long minutes before taking him back out. The parrot is very cold.
She says, "Well? Have you learned your lesson? I will not tolerate such language in my house!"
The parrot says, "Okay, okay, I promise it won't happen again. I am deeply sorry."
Within five minutes, he is cursing again and bit her once on the arm and once on the finger.
The lady is absolutely stunned. She rips the parrot out of his cage, goes down the stairs, into the cellar, and, slam, into the freezer. This time, she leaves him in there for fifteen minutes.
When she finally takes him out, the parrot is one step away from death. He is shivering and has light frost on the beak. "I swear it will never ever happen again! I will never insult you again! I promise!" As he thaws, he looks up at the lady and says, "I do have one question though. That turkey in there, what'd he do, attack you?"
Roy Rogers buys himself a new pair of cowboy boots. As he's walking up to the ranch house he hears the cowhands talking about a bobcat that has been tearing things up; not watching where he's going, he walks right through a mud puddle. He cusses himself out in pig latin, cleans the boots, and leaves them out on the porch to dry. The next morning he comes out on the porch. The boots are torn to shreds, scattered all over the yard, and there are bobcat tracks- and scat- all over. Roy jumps on Trigger, quickly tracks down the bobcat, ties it up in a couple of square knots and takes it back to the house. He sits down on the porch and begins to skin the cat. (There's more than one way to skin a cat, but that's another story we don't need to go into here.) BTW Brandy, can I get a refill? So, at this point, Roy's wife Dale walks up. Being a good, respectful, non liberated wife, she salutes, stands silently at attention, but finally her curiosity overcomes here. She clears her throat. "Pardon me Roy,is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"
King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
I went to a bar one night, and they had a donkey in a stall, they had a sign over the donkey that read. "Make the donkey laugh and you drink free all night" So I walked over and whispered in its ear. The donkey burst out laughing and I drank free all night. Next night I went in and they had changed the sign to "make the donkey cry and drink free all night" I walked over and in 10 seconds the donkey was crying.
The bartender asked as he was pouring my 1st free drink how I did it. I said simple, last night I said I had a bigger pecker than a donkey to make him laugh. To make him cry, I proved it.
A snail was moving along the beach when he happened to look back behind him and saw three turtles wearing leather jackets. After moving along for about four weeks, the snail looked back again and saw that the three turtles were still there and closing in on him. So, the snail picked up his pace.
After about six more weeks, the snail looked back again, and saw that the turtles were still chasing him. And they were getting closer and closer! So, he kept on going as fast as he could.
After another few weeks, the turtles finally caught up with the snail and mugged him, took all of his clothes and the keys to his car. After another couple of weeks, the snail got to a pay phone and called the police. “I’ve been mugged by three turtles wearing leather jackets! You need to get down here and take a report or do something!” he said.
“Can you give us a description of the turtles?” asked the police officer.
I must share this -- an introductory paragraph to a student essay.
There was a difference of opinion whether definite events are part of history or a myth. Since then it has been classified certain events are parts of both history and myth. History and myth will be shaped autonomously. Working discretely and enhancing one another. That there is a meager persistence of both, that one does not stanch [sic] from the other and vice versa. Frank Cross supports these idea when he states, " ... however, themes of mythological origin can be detected, standing in tension with themes of historical memory or enhancing redemptive events by assimilating them to the primoridal event." Now we must classify history between an epic, tragedy or comedy. Where epic is an imitation of men of stature, simple meter. Tragedy is an imitation of an action of complex meter. And comedy is a set of events that merely amuses others.
A guy walks out of his house to go to work, looks down and see's a snail on the 2nd step. He picks it up and tosses it into the lawn. 2 weeks later, he comes out and looks down and a snail is on the 2nd step again, and it yells, what the hell did you do that for?
This is the strange story of how American Police Force, a little known company which claims to specialize in training military and security forces overseas, has seemingly taken control of a $27 million, never-used jail, and a rural Montana town's nonexistent police force.
After arriving in this tiny city with three Mercedes SUVs marked with the logo of a police department that has never existed, representatives of the obscure California security company said preparations were under way to take over Hardin's jail, which has no prisoners.
Significant obstacles remain - including a lack of any contracts to acquire prisoners from other jails or other states.
And on Friday came the revelation the company's operating agreement for the facility has yet to be validated - two weeks after city leaders first unveiled what they said was a signed agreement.
. . .
Little has been revealed to date about American Police Force. The company was incorporated in California in March, soon after Hardin's empty jail gained notoriety after city leaders suggested it could be used for the Guantanamo Bay terrorism detainees.
Two cannibals were eating diner. one looked over at the other and said, "wow your wife makes a great stew." The other replies. "yeah, I'm gonna miss her"
First!
ReplyDeleteThird
ReplyDeleteOK make that second. :)))
ReplyDeleteFirst round on BW.
Hi Erik! Are you having your usual tonight or something different?
ReplyDeleteI like my routine BW. The usual please. :))
ReplyDeleteLet's have a tune.
ReplyDeleteI'll have a spicy Bloody Mary, Brandy, thank you.
ReplyDeleteI locked the door BW. Let me know when you are ready to let the rowdy bunch in.
ReplyDeleteGood thing I sneaked in through the window. BTW are there any extra pants? I think I just pulled a "Surfer Doc".
ReplyDeleteHer you are.
ReplyDeleteHow was your day?
No spare pants around here but here's a couple of long aprons, Phil. LOL
ReplyDeleteHEEELLOOOOOOOOO!
ReplyDeleteHey Sas, DEZ. Someone locked the damn door!
Well I will take two then and make a kilt. :)
ReplyDeleteMy day was fine, Brandy. :-)
ReplyDeleteYou better keep an eye on Phil, he's bare-assed, I suspect.
Might be trubble.
Here's your bloody mary Pink. Are you feeling better tonight?
ReplyDeleteLet's make it mellow ...
ReplyDeletePink. Running Bare needed someone to stand in for him till he gets here. Guess I got nominated.
ReplyDeleteOK here is the key BW. Let the cretins in. :)
ReplyDeleteLucius, I love Santana, thanks. What'll you have to drink tonight?
ReplyDeleteMake mine a G&T, if you please.
ReplyDeleteI'll keep a close eye on him Pink.
ReplyDeleteHere you are Lucius. Enjoy.
ReplyDeleteAnd now one going out to my ex ...
ReplyDeleteIn her dreams!
DING!
ReplyDelete*Elevator doors opening*
Squatch got his learn on.
Thanks! That's delit, delit, delit, delit ... refreshing!
ReplyDeleteSasquatch! Good to see you're learning. LOL What can I get for you?
ReplyDeleteGood Evening CCer's!
ReplyDeleteHow is everyone this fine night? Here in CT is chilly, but nice.
Evening, BW !
ReplyDeleteMichelob Ultra with a pink umbrella,thank you very much.
Evening, BaB, good to see you. Something to drink?
ReplyDeleteboldandbald said...
ReplyDeleteGood Evening CCer's!
Round on me. What's your poison?
sasquatchonsteroids said...
ReplyDeleteEvening, BW !
Michelob Ultra with a pink umbrella,thank you very much.
LMAO. You like, I see.
Perfect, Brandy!
ReplyDeleteI am not much of a drinker myself, I'll just have a cranberry and tonic.
ReplyDeleteMy whole joke library is sitting in S. Africa. I hope I can find some stuff that you all like.
ReplyDeleteHere you go Squatch. Sorry I couldn't find the little umbrellas.
ReplyDeleteAs long as it doesn't start with "There once a man from Nantucket..."
ReplyDeletePink. Running Bare needed someone to stand in for him till he gets here. Guess I got nominated.
ReplyDeleteYou are such a gentleman, Phil. ;-)
Here you are BaB. How was your day?
ReplyDeleteHi B@?
ReplyDeleteHey, where's realwest? Ya'll didn't trample him on the stairs, did you?
Evening!
ReplyDeleteTraffic was a pain.
Thank you BW. Not bad. Lots of standing around watching other people work. How about you?
ReplyDeleteAfter retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
ReplyDeleteSocial Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing My curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is Proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
Hey, where's realwest? Ya'll didn't trample him on the stairs, did you?
ReplyDeleteHe left. Last post on the last thread.
OH hell. Dinner is ready and I really gotta go NOW -mom's already yelled it once and you don't want to be me if she yells it twice!
Anyway y'all it was fun chatting with you all - however briefly and I WILL be back tonight!!
Hope y'all have a fine fun evening and that I get the chance to see you all down the road tonight!!
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
ReplyDeleteAnniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 In about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
˙ʇɐɥʇ ɥʇıʍ dlǝɥ uɐɔ ʎpuɐɹq ˙ʞuıɹp oʇ ɥƃnouǝ pɐɥ ʇ,uǝʌɐɥ noʎ sıɥʇ pɐǝɹ uɐɔ noʎ ɟı
ReplyDeleteJCM, hi there. I heard the traffic was nasty tonight too. What will you have to drink?
ReplyDeleteBTW, thanks again for the ride last night.;-)
LOL, Erik. I like those 'fight started' jokes.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Squatch!
Hi B2 ...I messed your greeting up earlier :-)
BaB, I had a good day, thanks. Not too busy at my day job for a change.
ReplyDeletePink Freud said...
ReplyDelete˙ʇɐɥʇ ɥʇıʍ dlǝɥ uɐɔ ʎpuɐɹq ˙ʞuıɹp oʇ ɥƃnouǝ pɐɥ ʇ,uǝʌɐɥ noʎ sıɥʇ pɐǝɹ uɐɔ noʎ ɟı
(((: ˙ǝlqnop ɐ ǝuo ʇxǝu ʎɯ ǝʞɐɯ ǝsɐǝld ʍq ˙ʇɐɥʇ pɐǝɹ uɐɔ ı ˙ʇɥƃıɹ ǝɹɐ noʎ
Evening all.
ReplyDeleteEtR said
My whole joke library is sitting in S. Africa
You mean all those jokes you used to post weren't from memory?
I feel cheated.
Sorry PF. I didn't realize that was directed at me. I thought you were asking where you needed to be at.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDelete(((: ˙ǝlqnop ɐ ǝuo ʇxǝu ʎɯ ǝʞɐɯ ǝsɐǝld ʍq ˙ʇɐɥʇ pɐǝɹ uɐɔ ı ˙ʇɥƃıɹ ǝɹɐ noʎ
ROFL Erik!
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
ReplyDeleteKept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
Drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
Hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think that a person could go on
Celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
Jim, good to see you. Drink?
ReplyDeleteBar Wench,
ReplyDeleteNew Belgium Abbey, if you please.
Damn rubber neckers looking at an accident on the other side of the freeway got into three more...
Glad you like the wind in your hair ride!
Sorry PF. I didn't realize that was directed at me. I thought you were asking where you needed to be at.
ReplyDeleteCompletely understandable, B2, especially knowing me. ;-)
(((: ˙ǝlqnop ɐ ǝuo ʇxǝu ʎɯ ǝʞɐɯ ǝsɐǝld ʍq ˙ʇɐɥʇ pɐǝɹ uɐɔ ı ˙ʇɥƃıɹ ǝɹɐ noʎ
ReplyDeleteThank Gaia for laptops.
Hey, {y'all}
ReplyDeleteI just popped in for a quickie.
;-0
Pretty good, Jim. LOL!
ReplyDeleteHow ya doing this evening?
Oops. My emoticon was supposed to be smiling!
ReplyDelete;-)
Like that.
JiV. If I had to type my jokes,instead of copy and paste, you all would fall asleep on the bar. :))
ReplyDeleteThanks Bar Wench, Bombay Sapphire and tonic. Don't go too heavy on the tonic.
ReplyDeleteHi Redstate! I think Squatch is around here somewhere ......
ReplyDeleteErik, want to see something that led to a fight? Watch this:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WBhY6gphFLA
"When the wife doesn't listen"
Redstate, glad you came by! What'll you have?
ReplyDeleteredstateredneck said...
ReplyDeleteHey, {y'all}
I just popped in for a quickie.
;-0
Meet you outback in 5 minutes. :)))
Hi Redstate! I think Squatch is around here somewhere ......
ReplyDeleteFigured I was leaving myself open for comment with that post..
Bellying up to the bar.
ReplyDeleteHow is everyone tonight?
Actually redstate, given your comment the '0' might be more appropriate. ;)
ReplyDeleteWench, just give me a short vodka with a little splash of sprite zero tonight. Had too many beers last night.
ReplyDeleteRadar Love
ReplyDeleteAll in fun, redstate! We're happy you dropped by! :-)
ReplyDeletePink,I'm finer than frog hair. How about you?
ReplyDeleteHey, gak! I'm ruining my reputation...how about you?
ReplyDeleteHi Gak! Lemme buy you one ...what's your pleasure tonight?
ReplyDeleteGak!
ReplyDeleteHere's a double for you Jim
ReplyDeleteWhat a coincidence, Jim .... I am the same .....
ReplyDelete:-)
boldandbald said...
ReplyDeleteErik, want to see something that led to a fight? Watch this:
LMAO. I bet he didn't get any for weeks.:)))
Any what?
ReplyDeleteYeah, Erik, but I bet it was worth it.
ReplyDeleteGosh ... now that you ask, I can't really say I know.
ReplyDeletePF, check out the vid that I linked to above:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WBhY6gphFLA
Pink Freud said...
ReplyDeleteAny what?
Food? LOL
Hi red! Haven't yet. Give it time.
ReplyDeleteHi Pink! I'll have a cream de minthe. Gotta get up early tomorrow. Thank you very much. How you feeling?
Here you are Redstate.
ReplyDeleteHow tort reform is included in single payer health care....
ReplyDeleteCourt to decide if feds liable for cancer mistake
The Obama administration argues that making government medical officials personally liable for damages would make it harder to recruit people to work for the Health and Human Services Department's Public Health Service and other government medical jobs.
"The court of appeals' decision will likely have an adverse impact on the government's ability to recruit, hire and retain medical personnel for the PHS, and may affect other federal entities that have medical missions covered by similar immunity statutes." Solicitor General Elena Kagan said in court papers.
Hiya Jim!
ReplyDeleteHi Gak! Creme de Menthe coming right up. How ya doin?
ReplyDeleteFeeling good, gak, thanks. Sick as a dawg last night, woke up perfect this morning. Maybe it was the Zicam? I like to chalk it up to my marvelous demeanor and positive outlook. :-)
ReplyDeleteboldandbald said...
ReplyDeleteROFL
A man comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead.
ReplyDeleteThe guy panics. Thinking his neighbor is going to hate him forever, he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur> He then puts the rabbit back into the cage on the neighbor’s patio in hopes they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside. He asks the guy, “Did you hear that Fluffy died?”
The guy stiffens and says, “Um.. er.. no.. what happened?”
The neighbor replies, “We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, we went outside and someone had dug him up, given him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!”
Jeff Foxworthy.
Perfect, {Wench}!
ReplyDelete"The court of appeals' decision will likely have an adverse impact on the government's ability to recruit, hire and retain medical personnel for the PHS
ReplyDeleteNo -- that can't be right. All doctors want to join up with ObamaCare! The AMA ads said so!! And so did Gore Vidal. And if you can't believe ads and Gore Vidal, who ya gonna believe?
Haahahaha, Gak! We need more from you, you've got some good ones.
ReplyDeleteBar Wench said...
ReplyDeleteHi Gak! Creme de Menthe coming right up. How ya doin?
There she is. Doing good!
LOL Gak. Here's your drink.
ReplyDeletebold and bald, I love it. But I'd never do anything like that.
ReplyDeleteLorena Bobbitt.
I forgot my pants again.
ReplyDeleteHello See seers.
Erik, you need to be careful about getting into fights with your significant other, though. Especially if you love your goldfish.:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.inquisitr.com/40178/woman-cooks-eats-goldfish-to-get-back-at-boyfriend/
Hello pantless one. Can I buy ya a drink?
ReplyDeleteMy oscars love goldfish....
ReplyDeleteto death.
Jim, that is a name that should never be uttered in a room with guys in it.
ReplyDeleteDEZ, LOL, Phil did the same thing. I'll see if I can find a couple more aprons.
ReplyDeleteAnd what are these "pants" of which you speak?
ReplyDeleteBuy me 8 drinks, I may be cheap but I aint easy till im drunk. ;)
ReplyDeleteBar Wench said...
ReplyDeleteLOL Gak. Here's your drink.. Thanks (Wench). No one's better!
DEZ,
ReplyDeleteI forgot my pants again.
As long your privates or whatever you aliens have are covered.
Brandy! Line 8 shots up in front of DEZ, please!
ReplyDelete{{{DEZ}}} Alien hug and big 5.( or a big, how many fingers you have.) :)))
ReplyDeleteName your poison, DEZ.
ReplyDeleteLucius, I couldn't tell ya'.
ReplyDeletehttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Black_watch_kilt.JPG
Why is it that aliens are always naked ?
ReplyDeleteYeah, they're real f***ing advanced.
///
Bar Wench, you do shine brighter than all of the stars in the universe, and thanks for the apron.
ReplyDeleteYet another Illinois bar band
ReplyDeleteBar Wench said...
ReplyDeleteName your poison, DEZ.
BOOZE!
BaB
ReplyDelete"I duna ken where ya been to lad, but I see ya won first prize"
Buy me 8 drinks, I may be cheap but I aint easy till im drunk. ;)
ReplyDeleteAnd all this time I thought you were a dude...
//
OK, how do you guys get the links to come up in blue and with whatever you want to say?
ReplyDeletesasquatchonsteroids said...
ReplyDeleteWhy is it that aliens are always naked ?
Yeah, they're real f***ing advanced.
///
If ya got it, flaunt it.
Lucius, I have to buy my kilts special order. Extra long, you know. ;)
ReplyDeleteboldandbald said...
ReplyDeleteOK, how do you guys get the links to come up in blue and with whatever you want to say?
Go here
If ya got it, flaunt it.
ReplyDeleteRuh roh
Brandy, we may need more aprons!
If ya got it, flaunt it.
ReplyDeleteGood point.
Literally.
sasquatchonsteroids said...
ReplyDeleteBuy me 8 drinks, I may be cheap but I aint easy till im drunk. ;)
And all this time I thought you were a dude...
//
I am a dude, hence I want free drinks.
We used to feed the biology department Oscar in high school with gold fish as well. Got so bad that the local pet store wouldn't sell us any anymore. Real shame.
ReplyDeleteDEZ, eight shotglasses, here you go. Salud!
ReplyDeleteIf ya got if flaunt it?
ReplyDeleteThanks, Erik. I bookmarked and will read it later.
ReplyDeleteDEZ, eight shotglasses, here you go. Salud!
ReplyDeleteYikes!
Paladin, I buy gold fish 50 at a time.
ReplyDeleteCheaper that way, two weeks in a hospital tank and they are fish food.
Eight shots woooo hoooo.
ReplyDeleteWhos redy for a free shot.
As long your privates or whatever you aliens have are covered.
ReplyDeleteAliens have probes. Anal probes.
Hey, didn't we visit this subject last night?
This guy sees a sign in front of a house “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
ReplyDelete“You talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the mutt replies.
“So, what’s your story?”
The mutt looks up and says “Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.
So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says “Ten dollars.”
The guy says he’ll buy him but asks the owner, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?”
The owner replies, “He’s such a liar.”
DEZ,
ReplyDeleteYou can flaunt THAT?!
Pink, it's got the worm & everything. LOL
ReplyDeleteI used to have an oscar. I was kinda glad when he died. Greedy bastard.
ReplyDeleteThis elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her loneliness and goes to the pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties, etc., and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice saying, "My, do you look lovely this afternoon, madam."
ReplyDeleteShe turns around quickly to see who has spoken, but there is no one. All she sees is a big green parrot, resting on his perch in his cage. "Did you say that?" she asks.
"Why, yes, I did!" he replies. "And may I add that dress is a very nice color for you."
The lady suddenly realizes how nice it would be to not only have a talking parrot, but one that paid such nice compliments. So she pays for him and takes him home. On the way, she says, "You know, I am so proud of you that I believe I'll take you out for dinner! Would you like that?"
The parrot says, "Why yes, that would be delightful. I know a charming place on 7th Street."
So they arrive home and the lady progresses upstairs to her room to change for dinner, bringing the parrot along, of course. When the woman enters the building, the parrot begins complaining, swearing, and even bit her once.
Well, the woman is flabbergasted! She grabs the parrot by the throat, marches down the stairs into the basement, and stuffs the parrot in the freezer. She leaves him there in the freezer for five long minutes before taking him back out. The parrot is very cold.
She says, "Well? Have you learned your lesson? I will not tolerate such language in my house!"
The parrot says, "Okay, okay, I promise it won't happen again. I am deeply sorry."
Within five minutes, he is cursing again and bit her once on the arm and once on the finger.
The lady is absolutely stunned. She rips the parrot out of his cage, goes down the stairs, into the cellar, and, slam, into the freezer. This time, she leaves him in there for fifteen minutes.
When she finally takes him out, the parrot is one step away from death. He is shivering and has light frost on the beak. "I swear it will never ever happen again! I will never insult you again! I promise!" As he thaws, he looks up at the lady and says, "I do have one question though. That turkey in there, what'd he do, attack you?"
Roy Rogers buys himself a new pair of cowboy boots. As he's walking up to the ranch house he hears the cowhands talking about a bobcat that has been tearing things up; not watching where he's going, he walks right through a mud puddle. He cusses himself out in pig latin, cleans the boots, and leaves them out on the porch to dry. The next morning he comes out on the porch. The boots are torn to shreds, scattered all over the yard, and there are bobcat tracks- and scat- all over.
ReplyDeleteRoy jumps on Trigger, quickly tracks down the bobcat, ties it up in a couple of square knots and takes it back to the house. He sits down on the porch and begins to skin the cat. (There's more than one way to skin a cat, but that's another story we don't need to go into here.)
BTW Brandy, can I get a refill?
So, at this point, Roy's wife Dale walks up. Being a good, respectful, non liberated wife, she salutes, stands silently at attention, but finally her curiosity overcomes here. She clears her throat.
"Pardon me Roy,is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"
Gah, I am so slow tonight. May just make it an early night.
ReplyDeleteJCM said...
ReplyDeleteDEZ,
You can flaunt THAT?!
*Slings it over the shoulder and laughs*
I have to buy my kilts special order. Extra long, you know. ;)
ReplyDeleteUnattractive knees?
DEZ,
ReplyDeleteROFLMAO!
JCM. Great one. :))) LOL
ReplyDeleteLOL Gak, JCM. Jim!
ReplyDeleteDEZ, yer terrible! :P LOL!
LOL Wendy! How did you know?
ReplyDeleteHi Wendy! Whatcha drinkin'!?
ReplyDeleteCute story, Jim. Here's your Sapphire and tonic.
ReplyDeleteHi there Wendy. What can I get for you?
ReplyDeleteKing Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
ReplyDeleteAt the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on
ReplyDeletean elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior
chest wall.
' Big breaths,'. I instructed.
' Yes, they used to be,'. . replied the
patient.
Mercy Mercy Me
ReplyDeleteThe fourteen year old daughter just made chocolate chip cookies, who wants one?
ReplyDeleteDEZ, one at at time!
I went to a bar one night, and they had a donkey in a stall, they had a sign over the donkey that read. "Make the donkey laugh and you drink free all night"
ReplyDeleteSo I walked over and whispered in its ear.
The donkey burst out laughing and I drank free all night.
Next night I went in and they had changed the sign to "make the donkey cry and drink free all night"
I walked over and in 10 seconds the donkey was crying.
The bartender asked as he was pouring my 1st free drink how I did it.
I said simple, last night I said I had a bigger pecker than a donkey to make him laugh.
To make him cry, I proved it.
A snail was moving along the beach when he happened to look back behind him and saw three turtles wearing leather jackets. After moving along for about four weeks, the snail looked back again and saw that the three turtles were still there and closing in on him. So, the snail picked up his pace.
ReplyDeleteAfter about six more weeks, the snail looked back again, and saw that the turtles were still chasing him. And they were getting closer and closer! So, he kept on going as fast as he could.
After another few weeks, the turtles finally caught up with the snail and mugged him, took all of his clothes and the keys to his car. After another couple of weeks, the snail got to a pay phone and called the police. “I’ve been mugged by three turtles wearing leather jackets! You need to get down here and take a report or do something!” he said.
“Can you give us a description of the turtles?” asked the police officer.
“No, I can’t. It all happened too fast!”
JCM, what is this, dinar theatre?
ReplyDeleteI must share this -- an introductory paragraph to a student essay.
ReplyDeleteThere was a difference of opinion whether definite events are part of history or a myth. Since then it has been classified certain events are parts of both history and myth. History and myth will be shaped autonomously. Working discretely and enhancing one another. That there is a meager persistence of both, that one does not stanch [sic] from the other and vice versa. Frank Cross supports these idea when he states, " ... however, themes of mythological origin can be detected, standing in tension with themes of historical memory or enhancing redemptive events by assimilating them to the primoridal event." Now we must classify history between an epic, tragedy or comedy. Where epic is an imitation of men of stature, simple meter. Tragedy is an imitation of an action of complex meter. And comedy is a set of events that merely amuses others.
I don't even know where to start. Word salad.
boldandbald,
ReplyDeleteIt's the Rial deal!
The definition of endless love?
ReplyDeleteStevie Wonder and Helen Keller playing tennis.
BaB, LOL
ReplyDeleteEvening All !
ReplyDelete鸭的味道太强烈了我。我喜欢奎尔或婴儿母鸡。让我们离开鸭只的味道太强烈了我。我喜欢奎了我。我喜欢奎尔或婴儿母鸡。让我们
ReplyDelete或婴儿母鸡。让我们离开鸭只的味道太强烈了我。我喜欢奎了我。我喜欢奎尔或婴
喜欢奎尔或婴儿母鸡。让我
Sup Shug? It's joke night at the Pub.
ReplyDeleteDEZ did you wrap it around it around you 3 times and stick in your ear again? Show off. :)))
ReplyDeleteIt's joke night at the Pub.
ReplyDeleteJokes drink free!
Hi Sage! LOL Are you having an Arnold Palmer again tonight?
ReplyDeleteゟをわあいぎざじぜなぬぴのぽめるんづゟをわあいぎざじぜなにあぐぞみぜなぬぴのぽめるいぎざじぜなにあぐぞざじぜなぬぴのぽめるんづ
ReplyDeleteめるいぎざじぜなにあぐぞざじぜなぬぴめるんづゟをわあいぎざじぜなにあぐぞみゟをわあいぎざじぜ
ぜなぬぴめるんづゟをわあいぎざじぜなにあぐぞみゟをわあいぎざじ
Hi Shug.
ReplyDeleteOh, JCM. It's worse than I thought. Which grade are are you teaching?
ReplyDeleteJoke Night: the President has spent more time talking to David Letterman than General McCrystal.
ReplyDeletewait, that isn't a joke
It's the Rial deal!
ReplyDeleteI prefer to sheckle from the balcony.
Yeah Bar Wench....Arnold Palmer please.
ReplyDelete:')
Hey Shug! Watch out for DEZ.
ReplyDelete/just sayin'
LOL Gak.
ReplyDeleteI always liked this one.
A guy walks out of his house to go to work, looks down and see's a snail on the 2nd step.
He picks it up and tosses it into the lawn.
2 weeks later, he comes out and looks down and a snail is on the 2nd step again, and it yells, what the hell did you do that for?
Pass the salty popcorn while I push in my stool.
ReplyDeletePink,
ReplyDeleteYou mean Lucius?
Shug! Truck Monkey! Nice to see you both. What'll you have?
ReplyDeleteحاصل نور و جسم خاکی من
ReplyDeleteسایه! ای هستی دوگانۀ من
بازتابی ز جسم بیداری
سایه ام! گرچه نقش دیواری
نقش سایه دگر نمی دانی
روشنی را اگر تو بستانی
نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست
جسم اگر مُرد سایه دیگر نیست
نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما
سایه نور است و جسم تیره ما
Yes, sorry JCM. Lucius, what grade?
ReplyDeleteLucius Septimius said...
ReplyDeleteI must share this -- an introductory paragraph to a student essay.
Thanks Lucius, I just found my insomnia cure that's non addicting. :)
Truck Monkey said...
ReplyDelete"Pass the salty popcorn while I push in my stool"
Pardon me, but shouldn't you push it out?
JCM, Sage, you're gonna have the NSA shut us down!
ReplyDeleteAmerican Police Force Corporation Takes Over Small Town Police Force and Prisoner-Less Jail
ReplyDeleteThis is the strange story of how American Police Force, a little known company which claims to specialize in training military and security forces overseas, has seemingly taken control of a $27 million, never-used jail, and a rural Montana town's nonexistent police force.
After arriving in this tiny city with three Mercedes SUVs marked with the logo of a police department that has never existed, representatives of the obscure California security company said preparations were under way to take over Hardin's jail, which has no prisoners.
Significant obstacles remain - including a lack of any contracts to acquire prisoners from other jails or other states.
And on Friday came the revelation the company's operating agreement for the facility has yet to be validated - two weeks after city leaders first unveiled what they said was a signed agreement.
. . .
Little has been revealed to date about American Police Force. The company was incorporated in California in March, soon after Hardin's empty jail gained notoriety after city leaders suggested it could be used for the Guantanamo Bay terrorism detainees.
American Police Force
/hmmm, what's up with this?
Shug said...
ReplyDeleteTruck Monkey said...
"Pass the salty popcorn while I push in my stool"
Pardon me, but shouldn't you push it out?
Ah crap.
Bar Wench, I think I'll have a Zombie
ReplyDeleteThis was written by ... get this ... a Junior in college. And it only goes down from there.
ReplyDeleteSome Jagger
ReplyDeleteDEZ said...
ReplyDelete"Ah crap."
That was a very well formed retort
Two cannibals were eating diner.
ReplyDeleteone looked over at the other and said, "wow your wife makes a great stew."
The other replies. "yeah, I'm gonna miss her"
Very strange, EIOWI.
ReplyDeleteThanks Shug.
ReplyDeleteThis was written by ... get this ... a Junior in college. And it only goes down from there.
ReplyDeleteOH MY.
/hmmm, what's up with this?
ReplyDeleteand why is Ravel's Bolero playing on their website? I have forever associated that with the movie, "10".
Lucius, how do you go about trying to teach someone who is that gifted?
ReplyDeleteSage, here's your Arnold Palmer.....slides it down the bar. Cheesy Puffs too.
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome
ReplyDeleteHere you go, Shug. Tiki glass and everything.
ReplyDeleteHow do I teach someone like that?
ReplyDeleteDid I mention she's beligerant and doesn't think I'm fair because I wouldn't let her only do 1/6 of the last assignment and get full credit?
There are some people who simply cannot be taught. But I have to at least pretend until December.
Obama,
ReplyDeleteIts fall
some of your
A.C.O.R.N.'s
fall off
My cement pond
doth catch some of them.
Frampton
ReplyDelete